Kiss My Man Junk!: Tuesday: DUCKS!

What the hell is happening in Oregon… more to the point what the hell is happening with Oregon Football? It seems like every time I talk to my friend (the interweb) he tells me a new story about an Oregon Duck footballer going wild. I don’t think I have to remind you what happened at the beginning of this past football season with LeGarrette Blount. Ok ok… quick recap:

Remember when LeGarrette Blount made Boise State’s Byron Hout swallow his own teeth on national TV. Apparently Blount doesn’t like losing and went Kimbo Slice on that honky. To be fair I think Byron Hout called Blount a butthole so Hout had it coming.

Then, University of Oregon football players Garrett Embry and Jeremiah Masoli were accused of stealing thousands of dollars worth of stuff from a frat house on the University of Oregon campus. Embry is expendable and the alleged theft victim did claim he saw Embry carry one of his personal items out of the frat house. Masoli, though placed at the scene, was not alleged by the victim as carrying anything when he fled the frat house. Though the police have not ruled out Masoli playing a criminal role in the alleged theft.

THEN I get to read about this gem of society… Oregon placekicker Rob Beard was charged with fourth-degree assault by the Eugene Police Department on Tuesday because of his role in an incident on January 24. The assault charge stems from an altercation Beard had with Tavia Jo Ames, 19, of Eugene. Kletzok could not comment as to the exact nature of the altercation.

THEN… Oregon football player LaMichael James is having problems too. James has been charged with fourth-degree assault, which is a misdemeanor that carries a potential one-year prison term, as well as with strangulation and menacing, both misdemeanors. According to Sgt. Tom Borchers of the Springfield Police Department, James’ girlfriend said the running back grabbed her around the neck and pushed her to the ground (maybe she should listen every once in a while and things like this wouldn’t happen).

This isn’t the first time James has been charged by cops with a form of battery. Before signing with the Oregon football program, James faced charges in 2008 of disorderly conduct and third-degree battery in Texas. The claims were dropped in 2009.

Shit… Oregon linebacker Kiko Alonso, who was cited for DUI, has been suspended for the season by Ducks Coach Chip Kelly.

HOLY CRAP… then, University of Oregon wide receiver Jamere Holland has been dismissed from the school’s football program for a violation of team rules, according to head coach Chip Kelly.

In two seasons, Holland had accumulated 17 catches for 252 yards and two touchdowns, with the Pacoima, Calif., junior accounting for 13 receptions for 199 yards and two TDs in 10 appearances in 2009.

Holland earlier today posted two profane Facebook messages, the first of which indicated Oregon football player Kiko Alonso had been kicked off the team after being arrested for DUI.

Couple of things:
1. Never name your child anything that starts with “Le” or “La” (trust me… it’s bad times)
2. Do not fuck with the Duck players… not even that pussy kicker
3. At what point do we start really punishing this retarded (and I mean that in the best possible way) kids properly?
4. BET will make a reality TV show featuring these social titans (all but the white kid) and their struggle to the top… and by “top” I mean jail.
5. The occasional white boy goes crazy and screws up.

Final thoughts… LeGarrette you are a 2 on my rector scale of dumb shits (PS, there are only 2 spots on my scale… either you are or you are not a dumb shit); Garrett and Jeremiah, you will make a lovely couple in prison some day; Rob Beard, you get a free pass because it was only a black girl you assaulted; and LaMichael, pack your bags because you sir are NFL bound (we all know the NFL doesn’t care about your personality)! Kiko I’m going to keep my eye on your retarded ass, we will see how you act from here on out. AND Mr. Holland, I really have not beef with you other than you didn’t have the foresight to keep your mouth shut.