Tuesday: DUCKS!

What the hell is happening in Oregon… more to the point what the hell is happening with Oregon Football? It seems like every time I talk to my friend (the interweb) he tells me a new story about an Oregon Duck footballer going wild. I don’t think I have to remind you what happened at the beginning of this past football season with LeGarrette Blount. Ok ok… quick recap:

Remember when LeGarrette Blount made Boise State’s Byron Hout swallow his own teeth on national TV. Apparently Blount doesn’t like losing and went Kimbo Slice on that honky. To be fair I think Byron Hout called Blount a butthole so Hout had it coming.

Then, University of Oregon football players Garrett Embry and Jeremiah Masoli were accused of stealing thousands of dollars worth of stuff from a frat house on the University of Oregon campus. Embry is expendable and the alleged theft victim did claim he saw Embry carry one of his personal items out of the frat house. Masoli, though placed at the scene, was not alleged by the victim as carrying anything when he fled the frat house. Though the police have not ruled out Masoli playing a criminal role in the alleged theft.

THEN I get to read about this gem of society… Oregon placekicker Rob Beard was charged with fourth-degree assault by the Eugene Police Department on Tuesday because of his role in an incident on January 24. The assault charge stems from an altercation Beard had with Tavia Jo Ames, 19, of Eugene. Kletzok could not comment as to the exact nature of the altercation.

THEN… Oregon football player LaMichael James is having problems too. James has been charged with fourth-degree assault, which is a misdemeanor that carries a potential one-year prison term, as well as with strangulation and menacing, both misdemeanors. According to Sgt. Tom Borchers of the Springfield Police Department, James’ girlfriend said the running back grabbed her around the neck and pushed her to the ground (maybe she should listen every once in a while and things like this wouldn’t happen).

This isn’t the first time James has been charged by cops with a form of battery. Before signing with the Oregon football program, James faced charges in 2008 of disorderly conduct and third-degree battery in Texas. The claims were dropped in 2009.

Shit… Oregon linebacker Kiko Alonso, who was cited for DUI, has been suspended for the season by Ducks Coach Chip Kelly.

HOLY CRAP… then, University of Oregon wide receiver Jamere Holland has been dismissed from the school’s football program for a violation of team rules, according to head coach Chip Kelly.

In two seasons, Holland had accumulated 17 catches for 252 yards and two touchdowns, with the Pacoima, Calif., junior accounting for 13 receptions for 199 yards and two TDs in 10 appearances in 2009.

Holland earlier today posted two profane Facebook messages, the first of which indicated Oregon football player Kiko Alonso had been kicked off the team after being arrested for DUI.

Couple of things:
1. Never name your child anything that starts with “Le” or “La” (trust me… it’s bad times)
2. Do not fuck with the Duck players… not even that pussy kicker
3. At what point do we start really punishing this retarded (and I mean that in the best possible way) kids properly?
4. BET will make a reality TV show featuring these social titans (all but the white kid) and their struggle to the top… and by “top” I mean jail.
5. The occasional white boy goes crazy and screws up.

Final thoughts… LeGarrette you are a 2 on my rector scale of dumb shits (PS, there are only 2 spots on my scale… either you are or you are not a dumb shit); Garrett and Jeremiah, you will make a lovely couple in prison some day; Rob Beard, you get a free pass because it was only a black girl you assaulted; and LaMichael, pack your bags because you sir are NFL bound (we all know the NFL doesn’t care about your personality)! Kiko I’m going to keep my eye on your retarded ass, we will see how you act from here on out. AND Mr. Holland, I really have not beef with you other than you didn’t have the foresight to keep your mouth shut.

University of Oregon, you are officially on notice. Bad uniforms, bad athletes, what’s next… I don’t know just stay away from those hot cheerleaders.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

Monday: Mayor

Fuck traffic... fuck taxes... fuck health care... and fuck education. I think we have to focus on something that effects us all. This cancer is called "reproduction."

Now I realize that it is super hard for black men to have sex and NOT knock-up every girl they sleep with. I get it... you have a large dick... and when you have sex the tip of your penis probably snakes its way right up the fallopian tubes, into the ovaries and impales the egg. A little semen goes a long way when your that close.

Now I would suggest giving up sex all together but I have been within several feet of the native "black man" and there is no way you are going to stop an African man from cramming dick inside a woman's front and/or back door. Shit it's like their cocks are the candy stick and the ladies cervix are the fun dip.

I think the only real solution is sterilization...

Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie is past due on about $25,000 in child support after missing his Feb. 1 payment due date for several of his children, an attorney for the mother of one of his children says.

25-year-old Cromartie, 25, “has at least seven children with six different women in five states.”

All of the kids, at least the ones we know about, are under the age of six. Cromartie has been named in at least five paternity suits the past three years.

Steven Bishop, attorney for one of the mothers, said Cromartie hasn’t paid “any of the mothers” since the end of January.

Cromartie signed a $7.35 million guaranteed contract with the Chargers in 2006. Last July, he blamed his children and their mothers on an ability to focus on the field: “Last year my head wasn’t in there, I was dealing with my kids and their moms. It had my mind somewhere else.”

In the same interview with Kevin Acee of the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE, Cromartie said, “It took me awhile to man up and say, ‘I gotta do what I’m supposed to do,’and accept my responsibilities.”

Good job Antonio Cromartie.. you are the reason I love being black.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

Thursday: Bloggie Style

Gabrielle Union...


She is a hot piece of black tail and if you don't think so then create a blog, find some pictures of a hot black girl, post them during Black History Month, have people check it out, make your fan's jeans tight with said photo's, maybe make one of two dozen beat off (hardcore), collect all the fan's bad ass props, print out their sweet emails, spread them on the bed, lay on them bare assed, roll around like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal, drill a hole in your favorite email print, make tender love to it, lay your seed into that paper, now that paper will have your baby, punch the paper in its stomach to abort that baby, cry for 14 seconds, get over it, move on and THEN write your own fucking blog.

Happy Black History Month

Wednesday: Rant

Are you serious BET?? We are in the middle of this kick ass month called "Black History" and when I flip through the channels to see what's on my favorite black station, shows like Michael Vick Project" and "Doing Hard Time" are on TV. What the fuck black dudes? I thought Black History Month was a month dedicated to my people in which we can watch Black people, doing black things, that up lift and at the same time put every black man and woman watching to sleep. I am wondering where the documentaries on Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman and Wayne Brady. I MIGHT even settle for watching Malcolm X... even though he was kind of a fraud if you ask me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love seeing an athlete like Mike Vick dismantle a defense with his bare hands... then dismantle dogs with his bare hands... then dismantle a NFL career with his bare hands, but when will strong Afro-America stop pointing the finger at themselves and start pointing that finger at the real problem... DOGS.

I have read the Bible... I know what it says; "Then God said, Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." In case you're stupid (or non-Christian) this includes dogs. Cheese and rice this world is screwy and every time I see a cute and cuddly puppy I want to scoop him up, hold him close to my sternum while plunging over the goal line and when I get up to celebrate I wanna spike that puppy like a football (Mike Vick style). Then as the crowd goes wild I would put my foot on that puppy's face like Captain Morgan and bask in the glow of my success.

Back to Vick... If you are not a fan then hang in there, he won't be in the NFL much longer. He was a sup-par QB before prison and now he really sucks. BUT I think I did see his future in a dream I had:

Holy shit, I did it again... started off talking about ordinary crap and turned that turd into a diamond. Damn I'm good. Well I have to go, I have to get up early for my cup stacking class.

Happy Black History Month!

Tuesday: Recognition

Black History Month is on fire and can't be stopped. I would like to give a quick shout out to a man who I love and when I run for president he will be my VP. This man is beautiful and black and has some mad skills... one of them being able to render a human helpless using a Vulcan neck pinch like move. Of course I am talking about Crabman, aka Darnell Turner, aka Harry Monroe.

Without a doubt one of my favorite black men of all time and I have seen my fare share of blacks. Why do I love this guy... let's find out:

He is employed (The Crab Shack)
He is a former assassin for a secret government organization
Darnell is very intelligent
And finally... his wife is super hot

Well that's about it... oh and if you ere wonering who the runner up was for my VP spot, it was Jules Winnfield. I think what hurt his chances was the fact he was very intimidating and as everyone knows what Jules says about being scared. "Now when you yell at me, it makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfuckers get scared, that's when motherfuckers get shot."

Happy Black History Month Motherfuckers!

Monday: Mayor

You know what I hate… Insurance. Let’s take auto insurance for example:

Let’s assume you pay $100 per month for auto insurance. That is $1200 per year on coverage you may never use. So you buy a car and pay 5 years worth of full coverage with adds up to $6,000. AND if you get into a wreck or you need insurance for any reason they increase your rate and now you are paying $2000 per year.

I have been paying auto insurance for about 18 years. When I was 16 years old my insurance was about $230 a month ($2,760 per year). Let’s do some math everyone…

$2,700 (yearly rate) x 5 (years) = $13,500 (age 16-21 total)

$2,000 (yearly rate, assuming I had a drop in cost) x 4 (years) = 8,000 (age 21-25 total)

$1,200 (yearly rate) x 8 (years) = $9,600 (age 25-33 total)

$13,500 + $8,000 + $9,600 = $31,100 (Rough total)

So $31,000 (approx. total) in auto coverage in 16 years and the total times I’ve made an insurance claim… once, in the amount of $2,000. AND if I had a claim today guess what… my insurance would go up!! All the money paid into the system means nothing in the long run.

Why can’t the government to hold our money (like social security), where we pay into it and it grows as we go then when we need to pay for anything auto related it’s covered. Is it really that hard??

Ok what about this… what if we take all the social security money, savings, 401k, health insurance, auto insurance, life insurance dental insurance, vision insurance and any other kind of funds deducted from our pay check and put that money into a government account; this account is for all the things you need. This way someone like me who doesn’t go to the doctor, doesn’t need a lot of auto insurance, doesn’t need vision, etc… can save this money so when I do need it it is there and I feel fine about it all because it’s my money. And here is the kicker… as long as I work I will take care of myself.

MEXICANS! Scary… A true Mexican from Mexico will have to have legit paperwork or else he or she can’t gain money for health, life, auto… blah, blah, blah there by exposing illegal immigrants. CAN YOU SAY “TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE?”

Now that we are thinking about this new route, let’s crunch the number:

Let’s assume you make $2000 per pay check (every 2 weeks)

$2000 x 26 (how many times you get paid in a year) = $52,000 (Yearly gross)

Let’s assume you pay $600 into all the insurance, medical… blah, blah, blah per check.

$600 x 26 = $15,600 (All your deductions)

$52,000 - $15,600 = $36,400 (Bring home pay)

Over 50 years you will have accumulated ($15,600 x 50) = $780,000. It’s very simple and you may not think it’s a lot but I didn’t even include increased wages, interest on said savings account, insurance for home, kids, life, family dental and medical… and in the end that number will be in the millions by the time you retire.

This system screams “Take advantage of me” and no one is listening. Well when I run for office (and win), this plan will be in affect then all you honkies are going to be in big BIG trouble.

Oh and if you are “black” this doesn’t apply to you… reparations mother lover! Sorry wet backs and honkies…

HAPPY BACK HISTORY MONTH!

Thursday: Bloggie Style

I definitely think we need to make sure we check out comedian/actress... Aisha Tyler. She is totally funny and makes my jeans tight when I see that hot 6 foot piece of chocolate ass. You know what I want right now... a hand job but I digress.

Happy Black History Month...

Wednesday: Softcore Rant...

DAMMIT… I hope you buttholes are happy. I had a feeling something like this might happen and BANG it’s here, it’s finally here. Let me explain…

See I knew deep down in my soul that the New Orleans Saints fans would use their voodoo to make things happen in the Super Bowl.

Omen 1: Manning looked like Tony Romo in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Usually the fourth quarter belongs to Manning and the Colts but during the Super Bowl it was hard for Manning operate. First with the pick 6 then not getting any points in the red zone at the end of the game…

Omen 2: When the Colts land in Indy there are only 12 fans waiting to cheer the effort. WOW… that is VERY unlike Indy fans.

Omen 3: Saints fans party in the streets and destroy the city… oh wait, I think Hurricane Katrina did most of that damage. Hmmm, I may let them slide on this one but you can’t let them slide on what is about to happen to the world.

This is scary shit broseph… imagine if Drew Brees’ face scar and the North American chupacabra had a baby, then you put that baby in a King Cake. Well homo’s, someone ate that cake… and someone found that baby… and now that baby is free from its cake prison. Pictures were taken of this voodoo beast… this chupacabra… this voodoocabra.

Sweet Jesus, that is terrifying. What’s next babies turn into tacos??

NO!!!!!! But I’m in the mood for tacos.

Happy Black History Month…