Monday: Mayor

CRIME!! Did I scare you? Sorry about that, I just wanted to show you how crime likes to hide behind bushes and when you’re least expecting it, crime jumps out of the shadows and gets all up in your face skin. I see it all over the news… what are we going to do about it? Are we going to stand for it, well we have been… and I don’t know about you but I’m tired of it and so are the people on God’s green Earth. When I’m mayor things are going to change. Here is my solution for crime prevention:

First off let’s look at some of the statistics…

I am pro death penalty… so right way the criminals responsible for the 226 murders will all meet the electric chair. THAT’S’S RIGHT, I’m bringing back the electric chair.

The criminals convicted of rape (and I am talking legit rape… none of this, 18 year old kid sleeps with his 16 year old girlfriend bull crap. I mean the kind of rape your grandfather would do, the kind where blood, sweat, tears and semen are involved; I’m talking about the kind of raw humping that might lead to vomiting and possibly a little forced butt sex.) Ok where was I… oh yeah, all convicted of rape will meet the same fate as murders, death by electric chair.

Now before I get into the punishment of these other criminals, let’s talk about what you can expect in prison. The answer is nothing. You get no TV and personal effects other than pictures. All you get is a bed, person toiletries, some government assigned reading (usually Martha Stewart books) and the cherry on top of this shit Sunday, they get a whole bunch of mind games and puzzles. What I want is for them to be forced to improve their mental ability and if nothing else they get to beat off in the face of Martha Stewart. Who hasn’t dreamt about that?? The reason why TV and all the personal items will not be allowed will become obvious as you read on…

The prisoners will have jobs (kitchen, cleaning, farming…). They will be forced to work for food and if they refuse to work then they will go hungry. There will be 2 sessions of recess, an hour a piece, in which the prisoners can play any of the 4 sports… kickball, four square, tetherball and of course hide-and-seek. Unfortunately there’s really nowhere to hide in the yard so hide-and-seek is pretty much the worst game in the history of ever.

The prison is separated into 2 parts… short timers and death row. Everyone with the exception of death row inmates will go to the short timer’s side. Even those “white collar” criminals will be forced to stay in “gen. pop.” too because crime is crime and there is no blurred line. So when Lil’ Wayne goes to jail, he could be cell mates with some dick with real problems. The reason why everyone gets lumped together will become obvious as you read on…

Ok so back to the graph… in the robbery area 7,963 victims, this is where we start to make the turn for the interesting. Any crime over $50,000 is an automatic death sentence. All of those pieces-of-shit like Bernie Madoff would never live to spend that money, instant death by law. So realistically you can rob a bank and might not get the death penalty… but I have an idea on how to solve your desire to rob and steal.

Let’s assume there is 1 criminal for every 1 crime then according to graph only about 5% of these criminals will end up dead. HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE… here it comes, the best idea of all time! It works off the whole “3 strike” concept:

Strike 1: Strike: Any offense under $50,000 resulting in jail time will require the removal on one testicle, plus fines and time served.

Strike 2: Any second offender with the grand total under $50,000 resulting in jail time will require the removal of the last testicle as well as the middle section of the penis leaving the total length of said penis to be approximately 1-1/2 inches in length, plus fines and time served.

Strike 3: Obviously any third offense will result in the death penalty.

Here are my thoughts behind the penalties: For your first offense we want to make a statement without ruining your life so we take a testicle and a slap the wrist, then we tell you about the second offense in hopes that will detour you. The second offense is designed to tame your inner beast as well as lower that testosterone by taking your balls, as well as making sure you can’t reproduce then finally taking the middle section of your penis away leaving you with just enough penis to urinate. Of course the 3 offense is death…

I don’t know about you but I like my penis, I like my balls, I like sex and I would like to have kids some day. How do you feel about losing the middle of section of your penis because you had to some dumb shit? I am a bold mayor and I have very little to no patience for law breakers. The world will see how effective my laws are around my city and soon the nation will adopt my laws… I am the Abraham Lincoln of Dallas! Before too long I will be president and the people will love me until I am cut down in my prime from an assassin’s bullet. Apparently I am too good at stopping crime and restoring justice which leads to militia made up of gangs and evil doers… probably all having less than 2 inches of penis in their levis.