Tuesday: Mark McGwire

I'm going to do something I may never do on this blog so hold tight kiddies... I'm going to talk about one of the most boring sports in the world, that's right BASEBALL. I get millions letters, emails, phone calls, smoke signals, etc… from fans who want to know here I stand on the subject of all things baseball ranging from the typical designated hitter debate to the atypical like Mario Mendoza. Either way I don’t like baseball so suck it America.
But for the past couple days I have been getting twice the traffic wanting to know my thoughts on Mark McGwire and since I’m a power top I don’t do what everyone me to do however I feel like it my duty to cast my judgment for the fans. I’m going to show a side of me that I rarely show and I know that I may lose some followers at the end of this blog. But like my father once told me, when you’re making an omelet you have to run a train on those eggs then break their hearts. WHAT?

I remember back in 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were chasing the homerun record I was actually interested. I would even watch a little of the Cards games just to see if McGwire would go deep. This was the first time I watched baseball since the 89 World Series when my team San Francisco Giants faced the Oakland A’s and the world decided to hate baseball too and there was a big earthquake… yeah I was a fan.


Mark I don’t think you should feel sorry for using steroids. I think you need to apologize for lying about it. Maybe you should have asked yourself, what would James Dalton, of one of the badest ass… ? bad assed…? Hmmm… KICK ASS movies ever “ROADHOUSE,” do? Shit James Dalton would do some Tai Chi, smoke some cigarettes, rip a knife boot off a lame douche and kick some serious ass. Of course James Dalton doesn’t feel pain so I guess you’ll just have to keep shooting up.


Anyways, I don’t care is Mark McGwire used steroids. Good for him… I wish more players would use steroids. I want my pro athletes roid-raging and out of control; I wanna see Mark McGwire put a baby kitten in him mouth like a hunk of chaw and go deep; I want bigger than life players whose hearts can explode at any time pumping their meat fist like Kirk Gibson after the ball finds itself 700 feet away from home plate; I want to look in the dugout and see the GM popping the zits of the third basemen’s back; I want to see shock collars on these kids to keep them from attacking fans; I want the baseline littered with syringes; I want jacked arms and big meaty heads working hard to get around the bases; I want wild pitches to lead to, and end in, death; I want the life span of a MLB player to be 1 year; and when the game is over I want a riot crew to herd them back into their cages. Oh and I want them to play only one inning (that is just a personal preference).

If MLB continues to try and reduce the amount of players juicing then I will never be a fan… I guess it’s a win-win.