Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil

Hey Gerbil… I don’t know if you have been keeping up with things lately (News, TV, Sports…). I’m a tv-aholic and see everything that goes on. I have a question and maybe you can help me out. So Mike Vick is back in the NFL and I guess I really don’t have a problem with it. He killed some dogs in a questionable way and he went to jail and served his time… At least he didn’t get away with it like some professional players do;

THEN in the Boise State/Oregon game a couple weeks ago LeGarrette Blount punches Boise State’s Byron Hout in the face at the end of the game (he might have deserved it, I don’t know);

THEN Serena Williams took her frustration out on the U.S. Open semifinals judge… Williams reportedly said, "If I could, I would take this … ball and shove it down your … throat and kill you", all while shaking her racket and a tennis ball at the judge;

THEN Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video on the MTV Video Music Awards basically to tell the world how Beyonce made one of the best video’s in the universe or something.

What is wrong with our black talent? I have an idea… I think black people have a drive to win or succeed that is so intense that they feel the need to express it. Some might spike a football (or a dog), some might bite their girlfriend (Chris Brown) while others might cut off a 19 year old in the middle of her speech turning that experience into a circus. Think about it, we’ve all seen a NFL or college running back plunge up the middle for a gain of 5 yards, pop up, pounding his chest, flexes his guns and screams at God. Settle down douche, you got 5 yards. This is their drive to win.

Maybe the intensity is TOO high and they need a forum of their own. Let’s face it, defenders of Michael Vick say it’s his “culture” that led him to dog fight but if I’m not mistaken it’s a white man’s culture to have black people as slaves (both unacceptable). LeGarrette Blount punches a hole in this kids memory which is assault anywhere else in America but no charges are filed and no arrest is made. Serena Williams is a champion countless times over and she feels the need to wish death upon a guy just doing his job. And Kanye West cries every time a black person loses to a white person in life. I think I have a solution that will make them all happy… Mike Vick you can live your life and embrace your culture as a slave; LeGarrette Blount you need a serious hug… in prison; Serena Williams you need to give up sports and pursue that modeling career you are DESPERATELY trying to find; and Mr. West… I think the place you will find the kind of success you need, BET… and face it you don’t care about that channel either.

BET, this is another thing for a later date but why during black history month does BET show movies like “Malcom X” (he was in prison), “First time felon” (he was in prison) and “The Hurricane” (he was in prison). Hold on to your answer I will revisit it later.

So what do you think Gerbil, am I on to something? - Edward (Forks, OR)

Thanks for the email... I think you could be on to something. Oh, I mean... No comment.

Fairytale Football... Week 1

The NFL season is upon us and I am playing the shitty game fairy tale football once again. Every season I have high hope at the start and somewhere around week 5 I realize my played blow AND I am a curse to everyone I own. Let’s go over my roster real quick and give some predictions for this season:
Philip Rivers - Last year he had over 4000 yards passing, 34 touchdowns and a QB rating of 105.5. He played in all 16 games last season and this is a very important stat because everyone who knows me knows I have jinxed almost every player I have ever had. Don’t be surprised if he goes down with a serious injury in week 5 (their bye week).

David Garrard - Last year he had over 3600 yards passing, 15 touchdowns and a QB rating of 81.7. He played in all 16 games last season as well… hmmm.

Steve Smith - Last year he had over 1400 yards receiving and 6 touchdowns. OK so Steve played in 14 games last season; out of 8 seasons he has only made it through the complete season 2 times… will this season be different? Probably not, he will make it between 12 and 14 games but the ones he will miss will be the most important games for my team.

Dwayne Bowe - Last year he had over 1000 yards receiving and 7 touchdowns. He played in all 16 games last season (I see a pattern forming). I wonder how long he will last…

Roy Williams - FINALLY someone I wouldn’t mind talking about. I hope he plays all season long. With stats like 430 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns in 15 games… SWEET. Keep up the good job Roy!
Kevin Walter - Last year he had 899 yards receiving and 8 touchdowns. HE played in all 16 games last season too!! I have one durable team.

Devin Hester - I had this guy last season… he had 665 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns AND 877 total return yards and 0 touchdowns. Not bad, not bad at all. With a new QB I see Hester getting more involved… I predict a mid-season broken leg.

Michael Turner - Last year 1699 yards rushing, 19 total touchdowns, 16 games played… Jesus I hope he stays health all season.

Steven Jackson - He played in 12 games last season and had over 1000 yards rushing, 379 yards receiving and 8 total touchdowns. Steven will be trying had to rebound from a crappy 2008… my prediction is he will try REALLY hard and hurt himself in the process. He will play 13 games but only 8 full games.
Joseph Addai - He played in 12 games last season and had over 700 total yards and 7 total touchdowns. Addai will make it all 16 games… the sucky part is he will have similar starts. GOOD JOB J.A.
Chris Cooley - Last year he had 849 yards receiving and 1 touchdown. WAIT… 1 TD?? With stats like that he will get through all 16 games. In fact since he has been in the NFL he has never missed a game.
Tony Scheffler – Pretty good stats… 645 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns! THEN fate gives you Kyle Orton… FLIP!

Mason Crosby – I have never had a problem with the health of my kicker. This season my kicker will be out 6 GAMES… mononucleosis.
Dallas - Dallas is ranked 7 in defense according to my league. I see the entire getting sick and missing the season. Speculation is mononucleosis. *I wonder how that happened*

San Diego - SD is ranked 12 according to my league. I don’t see momo happening here but you never know… (RIP Tila Tequila, He just might kill you)

Ok so that's it... that's my team.

Dammit... that was pretty boring!

And now for my real Fantasy Football team…


… YEAH!!