Friday: Really?

Dear Rodney, FUCK BIRDS...

DIVE!!

Thursday: Bloggie Style

Emma Watson… is she hot? She’s nineteen and if you are my boss that MIGHT be too old for him but for me she is right in my wheel house.

She’s an English actress noted for her roll as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.

Let's see, she is 5'-6", RICH and WHITE! That is a heck of a star...

She is English, Thin and she likes hockey... I think I do love her.

Oh and in case you missed it... she is WHITE! Sorry Mexicans, Blacks, Greeks, Asians and all you other minorities...

This isn't Emma Watson but I'm in!!

Wednesday: Rant

Police officers: I am not a fan of police. I’m not a fan of government servants’ period but maybe I will attack them some other time. Here is what I love… I love how the mayor is on the news talking about “police man-power” and how we don’t have enough police to maintain the kind of safety we expect as tax payers. So the city doesn’t hire any more police and the police are too busy guarding the city from those adults who make left-hand turns on a red arrow. FUCK, there is no time to do actual police work.

Every day while driving to work I see that same douche bag sitting on the side of the road looking for that guy who has a led foot or a lame blinker so he can ruin that guys day. Heaven forbid you go find some crime to prevent. BUT I get it, I totally get it… see finding a criminal and putting him in jail which means we have to pay more taxes to keep him locked up while something small like a speeding ticket brings money into the system AND you meet your quota. So REALLY I should be thanking you for not making me pay extra taxes this year; you guys are doing the Lord’s work.

Just the other day I was watching “I survived” (it’s a show about real people who by all accounts should be dead but somehow lived)… well this story was about a cop who was bitten by a rattlesnake and lived to tell the tale. I never thought I could be so heartless until I found myself rooting for the snake venom. The cop lived and I started to cry because I hate when a story ends in sadness. MAYBE I’m a dick but I think the Lord hates cops too… I’ll ask him.

Sorry I kind got off on a tangent; let me see if I can right this ship and bring it on home. Of course not all cops are dicks, just 99%… in fact the only cops I do like are the police dogs, the slutty police woman on Halloween and Police Chief Wiggum.

So next time I see a cop I’ll take my foot off the gas, keep my eyes forward, sweat like a Mississippi slave and hope to hell he doesn’t pull me over because my license plate light is out. So to all you fine fine police officers in the metroplex I salute you! Without you this rant would not have been possible.

*No police officers were harmed during the writing of this blog*

2010!

Over the past couple years I have became a very bitter man. One of the things my friends and family can always count on is my ability to complain. I think if I have a couple areas I LOVE to complain about it would be people and… well I guess just people. I am very rangey when it comes to complaining and I am good at it. So 2010 is here and I am rededicating myself to “kiss my man junk” so let this be the first of many entries, ENJOY!

Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil

Hey Gerbil… I don’t know if you have been keeping up with things lately (News, TV, Sports…). I’m a tv-aholic and see everything that goes on. I have a question and maybe you can help me out. So Mike Vick is back in the NFL and I guess I really don’t have a problem with it. He killed some dogs in a questionable way and he went to jail and served his time… At least he didn’t get away with it like some professional players do;

THEN in the Boise State/Oregon game a couple weeks ago LeGarrette Blount punches Boise State’s Byron Hout in the face at the end of the game (he might have deserved it, I don’t know);

THEN Serena Williams took her frustration out on the U.S. Open semifinals judge… Williams reportedly said, "If I could, I would take this … ball and shove it down your … throat and kill you", all while shaking her racket and a tennis ball at the judge;

THEN Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video on the MTV Video Music Awards basically to tell the world how Beyonce made one of the best video’s in the universe or something.

What is wrong with our black talent? I have an idea… I think black people have a drive to win or succeed that is so intense that they feel the need to express it. Some might spike a football (or a dog), some might bite their girlfriend (Chris Brown) while others might cut off a 19 year old in the middle of her speech turning that experience into a circus. Think about it, we’ve all seen a NFL or college running back plunge up the middle for a gain of 5 yards, pop up, pounding his chest, flexes his guns and screams at God. Settle down douche, you got 5 yards. This is their drive to win.

Maybe the intensity is TOO high and they need a forum of their own. Let’s face it, defenders of Michael Vick say it’s his “culture” that led him to dog fight but if I’m not mistaken it’s a white man’s culture to have black people as slaves (both unacceptable). LeGarrette Blount punches a hole in this kids memory which is assault anywhere else in America but no charges are filed and no arrest is made. Serena Williams is a champion countless times over and she feels the need to wish death upon a guy just doing his job. And Kanye West cries every time a black person loses to a white person in life. I think I have a solution that will make them all happy… Mike Vick you can live your life and embrace your culture as a slave; LeGarrette Blount you need a serious hug… in prison; Serena Williams you need to give up sports and pursue that modeling career you are DESPERATELY trying to find; and Mr. West… I think the place you will find the kind of success you need, BET… and face it you don’t care about that channel either.

BET, this is another thing for a later date but why during black history month does BET show movies like “Malcom X” (he was in prison), “First time felon” (he was in prison) and “The Hurricane” (he was in prison). Hold on to your answer I will revisit it later.

So what do you think Gerbil, am I on to something? - Edward (Forks, OR)

Thanks for the email... I think you could be on to something. Oh, I mean... No comment.

Fairytale Football... Week 1

The NFL season is upon us and I am playing the shitty game fairy tale football once again. Every season I have high hope at the start and somewhere around week 5 I realize my played blow AND I am a curse to everyone I own. Let’s go over my roster real quick and give some predictions for this season:

Philip Rivers - Last year he had over 4000 yards passing, 34 touchdowns and a QB rating of 105.5. He played in all 16 games last season and this is a very important stat because everyone who knows me knows I have jinxed almost every player I have ever had. Don’t be surprised if he goes down with a serious injury in week 5 (their bye week).

David Garrard - Last year he had over 3600 yards passing, 15 touchdowns and a QB rating of 81.7. He played in all 16 games last season as well… hmmm.

Steve Smith - Last year he had over 1400 yards receiving and 6 touchdowns. OK so Steve played in 14 games last season; out of 8 seasons he has only made it through the complete season 2 times… will this season be different? Probably not, he will make it between 12 and 14 games but the ones he will miss will be the most important games for my team.

Dwayne Bowe - Last year he had over 1000 yards receiving and 7 touchdowns. He played in all 16 games last season (I see a pattern forming). I wonder how long he will last…

Roy Williams - FINALLY someone I wouldn’t mind talking about. I hope he plays all season long. With stats like 430 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns in 15 games… SWEET. Keep up the good job Roy!
Kevin Walter - Last year he had 899 yards receiving and 8 touchdowns. HE played in all 16 games last season too!! I have one durable team.

Devin Hester - I had this guy last season… he had 665 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns AND 877 total return yards and 0 touchdowns. Not bad, not bad at all. With a new QB I see Hester getting more involved… I predict a mid-season broken leg.

Michael Turner - Last year 1699 yards rushing, 19 total touchdowns, 16 games played… Jesus I hope he stays health all season.

Steven Jackson - He played in 12 games last season and had over 1000 yards rushing, 379 yards receiving and 8 total touchdowns. Steven will be trying had to rebound from a crappy 2008… my prediction is he will try REALLY hard and hurt himself in the process. He will play 13 games but only 8 full games.
Joseph Addai - He played in 12 games last season and had over 700 total yards and 7 total touchdowns. Addai will make it all 16 games… the sucky part is he will have similar starts. GOOD JOB J.A.

Chris Cooley - Last year he had 849 yards receiving and 1 touchdown. WAIT… 1 TD?? With stats like that he will get through all 16 games. In fact since he has been in the NFL he has never missed a game.
Tony Scheffler – Pretty good stats… 645 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns! THEN fate gives you Kyle Orton… FLIP!

Mason Crosby – I have never had a problem with the health of my kicker. This season my kicker will be out 6 GAMES… mononucleosis.

Dallas - Dallas is ranked 7 in defense according to my league. I see the entire getting sick and missing the season. Speculation is mononucleosis. *I wonder how that happened*

San Diego - SD is ranked 12 according to my league. I don’t see momo happening here but you never know… (RIP Tila Tequila, He just might kill you)

Ok so that's it... that's my team.

Dammit... that was pretty boring!

And now for my real Fantasy Football team…

… YEAH!!

Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil:

Hey there RGG (Richard Gere's Gerbil), I'm so freaked out right now… my 20 year old girlfriend is pregnant with what MIGHT be our first child (pregnancy test pending). Anyways I’m not worried whether the baby is mine or not but what I am worried about is during the past 6 months she hasn’t had her period. Don’t get me wrong I like that fact that she isn’t bleeding but I’m starting to wonder where is the blood going. Do you think the baby is drinking the blood? –confused (Loving, New Mexico)

Great question… first off I do believe the baby is drinking her blood but I DON’T BELIEVE YOUR BABY IS NOT A VAMPIRE. However that doesn’t mean the baby isn’t part Chupacabra… I’ve seen it a thousand times. I would say take her to the doctor and let him deal with it or you can just wait it out until she passes that baby like a kidney stone. IF you decide to go that route I would suggest using a burlap condom when you have sex with her, DO NOT GO BARE BACK. At this point it’s not about knocking her up it’s about saving your genitalia. You definitely don’t want that baby getting hungry while you’re in the middle of some good time pregnant lovin’ and taking a huge chuck out of your manhood. “But why use a burlap condom?” you might be asking yourself… well use burlap for two reasons 1. For her pleasure and 2. Maybe after a couple of good thrusts you will scrape those walls to the point of redness then a bloody discharge. “But why would I want to give her such great pleasure and does she really deserve kick ass pleasure as well as scabby vag walls?” Normally “no” but this time I think it would be wise for a couple reasons 1. The blood is a nice treat or midnight snack for the little guy and 2. You are providing food for your unborn child which makes you an awesome parent in my book.

Thanks Confused, I hope I helped… keep those questions coming.