Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil

Hey Gerbil… I don’t know if you have been keeping up with things lately (News, TV, Sports…). I’m a tv-aholic and see everything that goes on. I have a question and maybe you can help me out. So Mike Vick is back in the NFL and I guess I really don’t have a problem with it. He killed some dogs in a questionable way and he went to jail and served his time… At least he didn’t get away with it like some professional players do;

THEN in the Boise State/Oregon game a couple weeks ago LeGarrette Blount punches Boise State’s Byron Hout in the face at the end of the game (he might have deserved it, I don’t know);

THEN Serena Williams took her frustration out on the U.S. Open semifinals judge… Williams reportedly said, "If I could, I would take this … ball and shove it down your … throat and kill you", all while shaking her racket and a tennis ball at the judge;

THEN Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video on the MTV Video Music Awards basically to tell the world how Beyonce made one of the best video’s in the universe or something.

What is wrong with our black talent? I have an idea… I think black people have a drive to win or succeed that is so intense that they feel the need to express it. Some might spike a football (or a dog), some might bite their girlfriend (Chris Brown) while others might cut off a 19 year old in the middle of her speech turning that experience into a circus. Think about it, we’ve all seen a NFL or college running back plunge up the middle for a gain of 5 yards, pop up, pounding his chest, flexes his guns and screams at God. Settle down douche, you got 5 yards. This is their drive to win.

Maybe the intensity is TOO high and they need a forum of their own. Let’s face it, defenders of Michael Vick say it’s his “culture” that led him to dog fight but if I’m not mistaken it’s a white man’s culture to have black people as slaves (both unacceptable). LeGarrette Blount punches a hole in this kids memory which is assault anywhere else in America but no charges are filed and no arrest is made. Serena Williams is a champion countless times over and she feels the need to wish death upon a guy just doing his job. And Kanye West cries every time a black person loses to a white person in life. I think I have a solution that will make them all happy… Mike Vick you can live your life and embrace your culture as a slave; LeGarrette Blount you need a serious hug… in prison; Serena Williams you need to give up sports and pursue that modeling career you are DESPERATELY trying to find; and Mr. West… I think the place you will find the kind of success you need, BET… and face it you don’t care about that channel either.

BET, this is another thing for a later date but why during black history month does BET show movies like “Malcom X” (he was in prison), “First time felon” (he was in prison) and “The Hurricane” (he was in prison). Hold on to your answer I will revisit it later.

So what do you think Gerbil, am I on to something? - Edward (Forks, OR)

Thanks for the email... I think you could be on to something. Oh, I mean... No comment.

Fairytale Football... Week 1

The NFL season is upon us and I am playing the shitty game fairy tale football once again. Every season I have high hope at the start and somewhere around week 5 I realize my played blow AND I am a curse to everyone I own. Let’s go over my roster real quick and give some predictions for this season:

Philip Rivers - Last year he had over 4000 yards passing, 34 touchdowns and a QB rating of 105.5. He played in all 16 games last season and this is a very important stat because everyone who knows me knows I have jinxed almost every player I have ever had. Don’t be surprised if he goes down with a serious injury in week 5 (their bye week).

David Garrard - Last year he had over 3600 yards passing, 15 touchdowns and a QB rating of 81.7. He played in all 16 games last season as well… hmmm.

Steve Smith - Last year he had over 1400 yards receiving and 6 touchdowns. OK so Steve played in 14 games last season; out of 8 seasons he has only made it through the complete season 2 times… will this season be different? Probably not, he will make it between 12 and 14 games but the ones he will miss will be the most important games for my team.

Dwayne Bowe - Last year he had over 1000 yards receiving and 7 touchdowns. He played in all 16 games last season (I see a pattern forming). I wonder how long he will last…

Roy Williams - FINALLY someone I wouldn’t mind talking about. I hope he plays all season long. With stats like 430 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns in 15 games… SWEET. Keep up the good job Roy!
Kevin Walter - Last year he had 899 yards receiving and 8 touchdowns. HE played in all 16 games last season too!! I have one durable team.

Devin Hester - I had this guy last season… he had 665 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns AND 877 total return yards and 0 touchdowns. Not bad, not bad at all. With a new QB I see Hester getting more involved… I predict a mid-season broken leg.

Michael Turner - Last year 1699 yards rushing, 19 total touchdowns, 16 games played… Jesus I hope he stays health all season.

Steven Jackson - He played in 12 games last season and had over 1000 yards rushing, 379 yards receiving and 8 total touchdowns. Steven will be trying had to rebound from a crappy 2008… my prediction is he will try REALLY hard and hurt himself in the process. He will play 13 games but only 8 full games.
Joseph Addai - He played in 12 games last season and had over 700 total yards and 7 total touchdowns. Addai will make it all 16 games… the sucky part is he will have similar starts. GOOD JOB J.A.

Chris Cooley - Last year he had 849 yards receiving and 1 touchdown. WAIT… 1 TD?? With stats like that he will get through all 16 games. In fact since he has been in the NFL he has never missed a game.
Tony Scheffler – Pretty good stats… 645 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns! THEN fate gives you Kyle Orton… FLIP!

Mason Crosby – I have never had a problem with the health of my kicker. This season my kicker will be out 6 GAMES… mononucleosis.

Dallas - Dallas is ranked 7 in defense according to my league. I see the entire getting sick and missing the season. Speculation is mononucleosis. *I wonder how that happened*

San Diego - SD is ranked 12 according to my league. I don’t see momo happening here but you never know… (RIP Tila Tequila, He just might kill you)

Ok so that's it... that's my team.

Dammit... that was pretty boring!

And now for my real Fantasy Football team…

… YEAH!!

Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil:

Hey there RGG (Richard Gere's Gerbil), I'm so freaked out right now… my 20 year old girlfriend is pregnant with what MIGHT be our first child (pregnancy test pending). Anyways I’m not worried whether the baby is mine or not but what I am worried about is during the past 6 months she hasn’t had her period. Don’t get me wrong I like that fact that she isn’t bleeding but I’m starting to wonder where is the blood going. Do you think the baby is drinking the blood? –confused (Loving, New Mexico)

Great question… first off I do believe the baby is drinking her blood but I DON’T BELIEVE YOUR BABY IS NOT A VAMPIRE. However that doesn’t mean the baby isn’t part Chupacabra… I’ve seen it a thousand times. I would say take her to the doctor and let him deal with it or you can just wait it out until she passes that baby like a kidney stone. IF you decide to go that route I would suggest using a burlap condom when you have sex with her, DO NOT GO BARE BACK. At this point it’s not about knocking her up it’s about saving your genitalia. You definitely don’t want that baby getting hungry while you’re in the middle of some good time pregnant lovin’ and taking a huge chuck out of your manhood. “But why use a burlap condom?” you might be asking yourself… well use burlap for two reasons 1. For her pleasure and 2. Maybe after a couple of good thrusts you will scrape those walls to the point of redness then a bloody discharge. “But why would I want to give her such great pleasure and does she really deserve kick ass pleasure as well as scabby vag walls?” Normally “no” but this time I think it would be wise for a couple reasons 1. The blood is a nice treat or midnight snack for the little guy and 2. You are providing food for your unborn child which makes you an awesome parent in my book.

Thanks Confused, I hope I helped… keep those questions coming.

Underrated Hot Chicks!

Every time I open a magazine or watch tv I hear about who is sleeping with who, who is in rehab, who NEEDS rehab but I never get to hear about the OTHER hots out there. Now sometimes you will get some hot chick who WAS hot but for some odd reason she fell off and there are some chicks that have been putting in work for years and people think they are hot but they will never see the top 100 girls on these “popular” lists. So here is my list of the Smokin whores TMZ, MTV, Maxim and FHM are missing:

Michelle Trachtenberg – 24, New York, New York… Michelle has done over 100 commercials and been in over 30 movies and tv shows. She is most known for the movies EuroTrip… she did alot of notable shows like "Law & Order" “Six Feet Under” and "House."

Mary Elizabeth Winstead – 25, from Rocky Mount, North Carolina; this actress has been in some legit movies like Grindhouse, Death Proof, Bobby and also The Ring 2. She ranked #91 on Askmen.com's 100 Most Desirable Women in the World (2008) but for some reason get no REAL love.

Kelly Stables – 31, from St. Louis, Missouri… Kelly’s an actress; she has been in better movies than Suzan Ward but who hasn’t. She’s been on "Two and a Half Men" but she is known as the evil chick on “The Ring: 2”.

Kate Walsh – 42(DAMN!), from Cali. She has done a lot of shows and movies I haven’t seen but her shows are pretty popular. Kate’s latest show “Private Practice” (a spinoff of Grey’s Anatomy) is pretty good… from what I hear… I don’t watch it or anything…

Susan Ward - 33, from Monroe, Louisiana. Ok she has been in a lot of stuff but its all pretty bad movies and shows. Think of a pretty decent movie, make a sequel staring her and you’ll have a movie she would do. BUT she is still legit on the hotness scale.

Holly Weber – 25, from Cali… She is kinda interesting; she was a GoGo Dancing at popular venues in Hollywood and Las Vegas, she is a model, she has done a little tv and done some movies (You Don't Mess with the Zohan, Frost/Nixon, Fast & Furious, Crank: High Voltage)

Katharine McPhee - 25, from Cali, she seems to be around the news but not really in the same breath as someone like a Britney Spears (I don’t know why not… she better looking and sings better). There is probably no chance on her being nude at any point soon but let’s pray her career tanks and she needs the money!

Caterina Murino – 31, from Italy… In 1996 she reached the fourth place in the Miss Italy contest, she did some modeling and she acts. In 2006 she was in Casino Royale, she played the Italian hot who died in the middle of the movie.

Milla Jovovich – 34, from Kiev, USSR (now Ukraine)… I KNOW, she is hot and everyone knows it but she is under appreciated and overlooked. Not only is she a model but she can act too! She has about 7 movies you have heard of, no description is necessary. Milla is on my list because she still works hard and looks amazing but lacks in the love department.

Eva Green – 28, from Paris, France… Super hot chick from the movie Casino Royale, also in Kingdom of Heaven , The Golden Compass and Quantum of Solace; She’s Hott… she’s French… and she‘s been 100% naked on camera before!

Julie Benz – 37, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania… she is best known for roles in Angel, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, and Dexter. And she competed in the 1988 U.S. Championships in junior ice dancing!

Kelly Monaco – 33, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, she was in Playboy but actually turned that into a couple of roles on TV and even a couple movies (Dancing with the Stars, Baywatch, Spin City, Port Charles, BASEketball and Idle Hands). She has been nude and normally I would disqualify her from this list but she is trying to be legit so she’s in!

Rhona Mitra – 33, from Paddington, London; she has been in a ton of shows… Party of Five, Hollow Man, Get Carter, Ali G Indahouse, Sweet Home Alabama, Stuck on You, The Practice, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, The Number 23, Shooter, Doomsday, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. She hot son!

Sophia Bush – 27, From Cali, another actress starting in tv (One Tree Hill) and turned it into a movie career sort of. Every now and again you will see her in a magazine or on a hot list but more often then not she is completely overlooked.

Missy Peregrym – 27, from Canada… she was in a lot of like Dark Angel, Tru Calling, Smallville, Reaper, Heroes, but you have to check her out in movie “Stick It” she plays a gymnast !! Plus she dated Ben Roethlisberger at one time.

Yvonne Strahovski – Some of you kids might have seen this hot chick on the show “Chuck”. She’s 27, from somewhere in Australia.

Rachael Taylor - She is a 25 year old actress from Tasmania, Australia. Rachael did a couple of sub-par movies and one really big one… the unfortunate part is she was competing with super hottie Megan Fox, that movie was Transformers.

Elizabeth Mitchell – WHO? EXACTLY… Elizabeth is 39 and she has been on shows like ER, Spin City, Law & Order, CSI, Boston Legal, House and most recently Lost. She is not only hot BUT she had a nude lesbian love scene with Angelina Jolie in the movie “Gia”!