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The scale ranges from 0, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively heterosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with their same sex, to 6, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively homosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with those of the opposite sex, and 1-5 for those who would identify themselves with varying levels of desire or sexual activity with either sex.
If you are male take test 1 and if you are female take test 2…
Test 1, let’s begin:
1. If two men are traveling on the same train from Chicago to Oklahoma in mid winter and the trains’ average rate of speed is 60 miles per hour. Guy number 1 is wearing a chocolate colored sport coat made of velvet (Black lapel, black buttons and no rhinestones) with black dress shoes AND matching messenger bag; Guy number 2 is wearing a black pea coat with matching scarf and gloves and some kind of sport shoe (gasp)… do you blow them both?
2. White after “Labor Day”… do you wear it?
3. When replying to a funny text or email, do you put “LOL?”
4. When two people of the same sexual orientation are engaged in homosexual activities, do you immediately put something in your butt while mashing your crotch against any surface with a “fun” texture?
5. Do you masturbate to Eric Bana?
* Here are the points for each question:
1) If yes…+1 point, If No…+1 point,
2) If yes…+3 point, If No…+1 point,
3) If yes…+4 points, If No… +3 points,
4) If yes…-10 points, If No… +5 points,
5) If yes… -400 points, If No… -4 points
Now add the points up and see where you fall on the chart.
Test 2, let’s begin:
1. Do you like Baseball?
2. When you burp does your crotch hurt?
3. Are 3” heels the proper shoe for fisting?
4. Do you own every season of Dawson’s Creek on DVD?
5. In high school were you known as “The Biggest Dyke in the History of Mexican Food?”
* Here are the points for each question:
1) If yes…+2 point, If No…+3 point,
2) If yes…+1 point, If No…+1 point,
3) If yes…+2 points, If No… +1 points,
4) If yes…+3 points, If No… +5 points,
5) If yes… +10 points, If No… -1 Billion points
The Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale
0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual
HEY YOU MADE IT!! Pour a bucket of Gatorade on yourself… it’s over!