Ask Richard Gere's Gerbil:

Hey there RGG (Richard Gere's Gerbil), I'm so freaked out right now… my 20 year old girlfriend is pregnant with what MIGHT be our first child (pregnancy test pending). Anyways I’m not worried whether the baby is mine or not but what I am worried about is during the past 6 months she hasn’t had her period. Don’t get me wrong I like that fact that she isn’t bleeding but I’m starting to wonder where is the blood going. Do you think the baby is drinking the blood? –confused (Loving, New Mexico)

Great question… first off I do believe the baby is drinking her blood but I DON’T BELIEVE YOUR BABY IS NOT A VAMPIRE. However that doesn’t mean the baby isn’t part Chupacabra… I’ve seen it a thousand times. I would say take her to the doctor and let him deal with it or you can just wait it out until she passes that baby like a kidney stone. IF you decide to go that route I would suggest using a burlap condom when you have sex with her, DO NOT GO BARE BACK. At this point it’s not about knocking her up it’s about saving your genitalia. You definitely don’t want that baby getting hungry while you’re in the middle of some good time pregnant lovin’ and taking a huge chuck out of your manhood. “But why use a burlap condom?” you might be asking yourself… well use burlap for two reasons 1. For her pleasure and 2. Maybe after a couple of good thrusts you will scrape those walls to the point of redness then a bloody discharge. “But why would I want to give her such great pleasure and does she really deserve kick ass pleasure as well as scabby vag walls?” Normally “no” but this time I think it would be wise for a couple reasons 1. The blood is a nice treat or midnight snack for the little guy and 2. You are providing food for your unborn child which makes you an awesome parent in my book.

Thanks Confused, I hope I helped… keep those questions coming.

Underrated Hot Chicks!

Every time I open a magazine or watch tv I hear about who is sleeping with who, who is in rehab, who NEEDS rehab but I never get to hear about the OTHER hots out there. Now sometimes you will get some hot chick who WAS hot but for some odd reason she fell off and there are some chicks that have been putting in work for years and people think they are hot but they will never see the top 100 girls on these “popular” lists. So here is my list of the Smokin whores TMZ, MTV, Maxim and FHM are missing:

Michelle Trachtenberg – 24, New York, New York… Michelle has done over 100 commercials and been in over 30 movies and tv shows. She is most known for the movies EuroTrip… she did alot of notable shows like "Law & Order" “Six Feet Under” and "House."

Mary Elizabeth Winstead – 25, from Rocky Mount, North Carolina; this actress has been in some legit movies like Grindhouse, Death Proof, Bobby and also The Ring 2. She ranked #91 on Askmen.com's 100 Most Desirable Women in the World (2008) but for some reason get no REAL love.

Kelly Stables – 31, from St. Louis, Missouri… Kelly’s an actress; she has been in better movies than Suzan Ward but who hasn’t. She’s been on "Two and a Half Men" but she is known as the evil chick on “The Ring: 2”.

Kate Walsh – 42(DAMN!), from Cali. She has done a lot of shows and movies I haven’t seen but her shows are pretty popular. Kate’s latest show “Private Practice” (a spinoff of Grey’s Anatomy) is pretty good… from what I hear… I don’t watch it or anything…

Susan Ward - 33, from Monroe, Louisiana. Ok she has been in a lot of stuff but its all pretty bad movies and shows. Think of a pretty decent movie, make a sequel staring her and you’ll have a movie she would do. BUT she is still legit on the hotness scale.

Holly Weber – 25, from Cali… She is kinda interesting; she was a GoGo Dancing at popular venues in Hollywood and Las Vegas, she is a model, she has done a little tv and done some movies (You Don't Mess with the Zohan, Frost/Nixon, Fast & Furious, Crank: High Voltage)

Katharine McPhee - 25, from Cali, she seems to be around the news but not really in the same breath as someone like a Britney Spears (I don’t know why not… she better looking and sings better). There is probably no chance on her being nude at any point soon but let’s pray her career tanks and she needs the money!

Caterina Murino – 31, from Italy… In 1996 she reached the fourth place in the Miss Italy contest, she did some modeling and she acts. In 2006 she was in Casino Royale, she played the Italian hot who died in the middle of the movie.

Milla Jovovich – 34, from Kiev, USSR (now Ukraine)… I KNOW, she is hot and everyone knows it but she is under appreciated and overlooked. Not only is she a model but she can act too! She has about 7 movies you have heard of, no description is necessary. Milla is on my list because she still works hard and looks amazing but lacks in the love department.

Eva Green – 28, from Paris, France… Super hot chick from the movie Casino Royale, also in Kingdom of Heaven , The Golden Compass and Quantum of Solace; She’s Hott… she’s French… and she‘s been 100% naked on camera before!

Julie Benz – 37, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania… she is best known for roles in Angel, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, and Dexter. And she competed in the 1988 U.S. Championships in junior ice dancing!

Kelly Monaco – 33, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, she was in Playboy but actually turned that into a couple of roles on TV and even a couple movies (Dancing with the Stars, Baywatch, Spin City, Port Charles, BASEketball and Idle Hands). She has been nude and normally I would disqualify her from this list but she is trying to be legit so she’s in!

Rhona Mitra – 33, from Paddington, London; she has been in a ton of shows… Party of Five, Hollow Man, Get Carter, Ali G Indahouse, Sweet Home Alabama, Stuck on You, The Practice, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, The Number 23, Shooter, Doomsday, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. She hot son!

Sophia Bush – 27, From Cali, another actress starting in tv (One Tree Hill) and turned it into a movie career sort of. Every now and again you will see her in a magazine or on a hot list but more often then not she is completely overlooked.

Missy Peregrym – 27, from Canada… she was in a lot of like Dark Angel, Tru Calling, Smallville, Reaper, Heroes, but you have to check her out in movie “Stick It” she plays a gymnast !! Plus she dated Ben Roethlisberger at one time.

Yvonne Strahovski – Some of you kids might have seen this hot chick on the show “Chuck”. She’s 27, from somewhere in Australia.

Rachael Taylor - She is a 25 year old actress from Tasmania, Australia. Rachael did a couple of sub-par movies and one really big one… the unfortunate part is she was competing with super hottie Megan Fox, that movie was Transformers.

Elizabeth Mitchell – WHO? EXACTLY… Elizabeth is 39 and she has been on shows like ER, Spin City, Law & Order, CSI, Boston Legal, House and most recently Lost. She is not only hot BUT she had a nude lesbian love scene with Angelina Jolie in the movie “Gia”!

Carla

So my bosses wife said if she were gay she would want to be a gay man (I think it's because of the smell of burnt ass skin fumes filling her uptown loft and her Volkswagen Passat), but I digress. She thinks she can get away with being gay and NOT having a physical relationship with another man WHILE enjoying all the gay fruits (no pun intended) of gay life, like perfect abs, beautiful skin, a high paying corporate job in which she wears a suit everyday with fashionable eyewear and impeccable taste! You have to go all the way if you are going to be gay (at least that is what my father *my priest* always told me before he touched my fanny).

Gay, a term used in reference to homosexuality.

Homosexuality refers to sexual behavior or attraction between people of the same sex and/or to homosexual orientation.

Sexual behavior refers to the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. It encompasses a wide range of activities such as strategies to find or attract partners (mating and display behavior), interactions between individuals, physical or emotional intimacy, and sexual contact.

Sexual abstinence has been debated since antiquity, both in terms of same-sex and opposite-sex relationships.

Naturally you think about finding an outlet for your feelings… becoming a healthy sexual person is part of the coming out process. No one should start having sex until they are ready, until then you may choose to masturbate or fantasize.

So after 3 minutes of research I came (no pun intended) to the conclusion; you don’t HAVE to have sex but you have to be physical.

I think THIS is gay... so let's have some fun!

Take this test and see where you fall on the homo-hetero scale:

The scale ranges from 0, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively heterosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with their same sex, to 6, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively homosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with those of the opposite sex, and 1-5 for those who would identify themselves with varying levels of desire or sexual activity with either sex.

If you are male take test 1 and if you are female take test 2…

Test 1, let’s begin:

1. If two men are traveling on the same train from Chicago to Oklahoma in mid winter and the trains’ average rate of speed is 60 miles per hour. Guy number 1 is wearing a chocolate colored sport coat made of velvet (Black lapel, black buttons and no rhinestones) with black dress shoes AND matching messenger bag; Guy number 2 is wearing a black pea coat with matching scarf and gloves and some kind of sport shoe (gasp)… do you blow them both?

2. White after “Labor Day”… do you wear it?

3. When replying to a funny text or email, do you put “LOL?”

4. When two people of the same sexual orientation are engaged in homosexual activities, do you immediately put something in your butt while mashing your crotch against any surface with a “fun” texture?

5. Do you masturbate to Eric Bana?

* Here are the points for each question:

1) If yes…+1 point, If No…+1 point,
2) If yes…+3 point, If No…+1 point,
3) If yes…+4 points, If No… +3 points,
4) If yes…-10 points, If No… +5 points,
5) If yes… -400 points, If No… -4 points

Now add the points up and see where you fall on the chart.

Test 2, let’s begin:

1. Do you like Baseball?

2. When you burp does your crotch hurt?

3. Are 3” heels the proper shoe for fisting?

4. Do you own every season of Dawson’s Creek on DVD?

5. In high school were you known as “The Biggest Dyke in the History of Mexican Food?”

* Here are the points for each question:

1) If yes…+2 point, If No…+3 point,
2) If yes…+1 point, If No…+1 point,
3) If yes…+2 points, If No… +1 points,
4) If yes…+3 points, If No… +5 points,
5) If yes… +10 points, If No… -1 Billion points

The Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale

0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual

HEY YOU MADE IT!! Pour a bucket of Gatorade on yourself… it’s over!

The 2009 National Douchebag Tournament

Here at Kiss my man junk, Inc. we have over 300 person employees half of which are in the research department and we hear the voice of the people. People across the world are filling out their brackets for that NCAA thingy... but you really should be looking at REAL tournament... "Douchebag 09."

The people have spoken. Just this morning some old bitch on her rascal stopped a young 6’6” black man in the lobby of our downtown offices just to tell him how much she hates Memphis guard Tyreke Evans because of his crappy game against Xavier in mid November. She also said he has a weak jumper and his shoes are ugly. I’m pretty sure she was profiling but what I think what she was trying to say is SHE IS TIRED OF THE SAME OLD BRACKET!!

Let’s find the biggest douche of MARCH MADNESS!

Fill free to print out this bracket and work your magic, I will update this site to tell you the outcome of these match ups. (click the bracket for a bigger image) *you size queen*

Right now: Katherine Heigl vs. Ryan Seacrest are fighting it out for the last spot on the board... winner goes against Chris Brown; I don't know if either one having the stamina for that fight.

Katherine Heigl

What Makes Her A Douchebag:
Declining an Emmy nomination last year because last season's scripts on Grey's Anatomy weren't "good enough" definitely qualifies her as a great big bag o' douche. She had no problem collecting enormous checks for being on the show, but then decided it was her duty to throw the show's writers under the bus. But the joke's on her: Grey's Anatomy always sucked.

VS

Ryan Seacrest

What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The perennial douchebag, Seacrest's combines a pretty boy smugness with the world's blandest personality. Listening to him suck up to celebrities and pretend that photos of Brad Pitt walking into a Starbucks are actual news makes you want to slap the facial right off his...face. Seacrest out (of everything except the closet.)

I Hate this French guy!!

Do you know Jamel Debbouze? He is a French actor/comedian... still don't know who he is? Well no one should know him but EVERYONE should know his wife. Her name is Melissa Theuriau. She is a French journalist and news anchor for M6. She is WAY too hot for his awful looking ass, PLUS he doesn't even seem interested in her. What a French fag!

Look how skinny he is!! In Darfur he is the fatest guy on the block but in America your just gay.

Now in case you didn't know exactly what Melissa Theuriau looks like while she's doing her job... here you go. You're Welcome!

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Now Minus Jon

Jon Gosselin, the father with eight kids the raging bitch of a wife on the TLC reality show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, has been spending time with his mothers house. And by that I mean banging the local girl's college volleyball team in Pennsylvania. Tongues have been wagging across several gossip blogs that Jon was recently seen at a Pennsylvania bar hitting on a much younger woman. He was spotted at Juniata College near his mother’s house in Huntingdon, PA, partying with the girls’ volleyball team on February 6. He is a guy with eight young monsters and a wife who is constantly on his case, so it's not surprising that Jon Gosselin needs to blow off some steam in a few college coeds. And in recent weeks, that is exactly what the star of the hit TLC reality has been doing, slipping away from his new $1.3 million mansion he gave to his mom to party the night away with a bevy of college cuties! Star Magazine reports:

Jon turned up, uninvited, to party thrown by Juniata College seniors Erin Albert and Mariel Little and ended up playing the drinking game beer pong with members of the women's volleyball team! "He was acting like a drunk, girl-chasing frat boy," one team member tells Star. "It really disturbed me. On the show he is so nice, but here, he was acting like an idiot." The following night he ended up at Memories Sports Bar & Grill. "He was dirty dancing with several girls from the volleyball team, making out, kissing them on their necks and mouths," says a witness in the bar. "He was all over one girl, a long-haired blonde who’s nearly 6 feet tall. He left with several of the girls, including her."

Mother Caught Driving While Breast-Feeding, WHILE TALKING ON THE PHONE!

Kettering, Ohio'''Police say an Ohio mother has been charged with child endangering after another driver reported she was breast-feeding and talking on the phone while driving.

The 911 caller told police in suburban Dayton that he spotted the minivan-driving mother dropping off children at a school Thursday morning. Officer Michael Burke says authorities used a license plate number to track down 39-year-old Genine Compton, who told them she was breast-feeding and wouldn't let her child go hungry. He says the child was younger than 2 years old. Burke says the legal concern is that Compton had a child in her lap, not that she was breast-feeding in public. He says she faces up to 180 days in jail and a $1,800 fine if convicted of the misdemeanor. The women was spotted and reported by another motorist as she drove along merrily breast-feeding her child while talking on a cell phone.

And, after investigating Police told Compton that it's against the law to drive a car and not have all the children inside the car restrained. The mother says she didn't do anything wrong and may do it again. "I don't want anything to happen to any of my children, that's why I tell them to get in the seat belt, but this particular morning that child wanted to eat, and I did feed my child," said Genine Compton.